Monthly Archives: March 2020

Joke About a Toilet Paper Calculator

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The joke:

A new website can calculate how long your supply of toilet paper will last. You just input your height, your weight, and whether you eat at Chipotle.

How I wrote it:

I picked this topic because a joke about calculating toilet paper usage seemed like it could proceed in a lot of different directions.

I turned to my Punch Line Maker #3 and asked this natural question about the topic: “Who might need a lot of toilet paper?”

To answer that question, I brainstormed associations of the topic handle “toilet paper.” One such association is “diarrhea,” which to me is associated with “Chipotle.” To make sure the audience was likely to make the same association, I double-checked online that Chipotle had had outbreaks of E. coli, which causes diarrhea.

After I decided that my laugh trigger would be “Chipotle,” I employed my Joke Maximizer #10–Use the Rule of Three–to write an angle that would smoothly bridge between the topic and that laugh trigger. Doing a list just felt right.

The real toilet paper website doesn’t ask you for your height and weight, but I decided to list those inputs because they’re plausible and short. I always try to obey my Joke Maximizer #1–Shorten as much as possible.

I also kept the joke short by not mentioning the coronavirus in the topic, even though it was the reason for creating the website. I didn’t think that detail was necessary, particularly since it would probably remind the audience of the unfunny pandemic and therefore hurt the joke.

Joke About Google and the Coronavirus

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The joke:

Today Google announced a website in the U.S. where you can go to get information about the coronavirus. They’re calling it “Google.”

How I wrote it:

One reason this news item attracted my attention is that both topic handles–“Google” and “coronavirus”–have multiple associations that might be linked to create a punch line.

So first I tried using my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic. I associated “Google” with “lack of privacy” and tried to think of a punch line like “And now the coronavirus is furious because Google stole its credit card numbers.” But I abandoned that approach because I couldn’t get the logic to work.

Instead I thought more about the topic and realized that it lent itself to my Punch Line Maker #6: State the obvious about the topic. To me, an obvious question about the topic is, “Doesn’t Google give you information about everything, not just about the coronavirus?” And the obvious answer is “yes.”

Which means that the punch line should be some way of saying, “Google has always been where you can get information about the coronavirus.” The punch line “They’re calling it ‘Google'” states that very economically, consistent with my Joke Maximizer #1: “Shorten as much as possible.”

I also clarified the logic of my rough draft of the joke by changing “launched a new website” to “announced a website.” The latter wording is true to the facts of the news item but is also consistent with the website turning out to be just Google.

Punch Line Maker #6 doesn’t often fit a topic but I use it whenever I can because its unfamiliar approach results in jokes that are a little extra surprising and therefore a little extra funny.

Joke About Jussie Smollett

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The joke:

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson tested positive for coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Jussie Smollett says he was attacked by a coronavirus wearing a MAGA hat.

How I wrote it:

I started with the punch line and worked backwards using my Punch Line Maker #2–Link the topic to pop culture.

The coronavirus pandemic is obviously a big story so I wanted to use it as a springboard to comedy. One useful way to mine a big story for jokes is to think about how it affects various celebrities.

To do that, I thought of an association of “coronavirus”–“attacked by”–and then brainstormed celebrities who were “attacked by” someone or something. Jussie Smollett is still in the news for his claims of having been attacked by someone shouting about MAGA, so I grafted “coronavirus” into Smollett’s claim to get my punch line.

Once I had my punch line, I needed a topic. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson were other celebrities affected by the coronavirus at the time, so I used the news item about them.

Finally I added an angle–“Not to be outdone.” The angle is logical because it reflects Smollett’s apparent need to call attention to himself.

The coronavirus pandemic is a tricky topic for jokes because people are dying. The way to write jokes about a sensitive topic is to steer clear of its most disturbing aspects.

So in writing this joke I didn’t call to mind any graphic details of the pandemic, like the current death toll. Instead I diverted the attention of the audience onto a deserving pop culture figure to get a laugh.

Joke About the New James Bond Movie

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The joke:

The release of the new James Bond movie has been postponed to November because of the coronavirus. Apparently they’re adding a scene where Q gives Bond a special wristwatch that shoots hand sanitizer.

How I wrote it:

I gravitated toward this news item because it combines two topics that many people are interested in: James Bond and the coronavirus.

The news item also promised to be a fertile topic for joke writing because it has two handles, each of which has lots of associations. Thanks to Punch Line Maker #1–Link two associations of the topic–lots of associations means lots of opportunities to create a punch line.

The first handle, “James Bond,” has as one association “gadget,” which has the sub-association “special wristwatch.”

The second handle, “coronavirus,” has the association “hand sanitizer.” To create the punch line, I linked those associations by stating that Bond’s special wristwatch shoots hand sanitizer.

I made sure to use my Joke Maximizer #4, “Make everything clear,” where “clear” includes “logical.” A wristwatch is a more logical gadget than, say, a pen to shoot hand sanitizer because a watch is near your hand. And the angle of the joke is logical because adding a new scene is a plausible reason to postpone the release of a movie.

I chose the laugh trigger “hand sanitizer” instead of something more specific like “Purell” because I thought it made Bond sound like more of a germaphobe and was therefore more surprising and funnier.

Joke About Jussie Smollett

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The joke:

Actor Jussie Smollett faces new charges of lying to the police about being attacked. Apparently for Valentine’s Day, he told the police he was shot with an arrow by a chubby little guy with wings and a diaper.

How I wrote it:

In Touch Weekly reprinted this joke in its March 9, 2020, edition (see below).

I wanted to write about this news item because it was the latest chapter in a story that’s gotten a lot of attention. Plus celebrities who have gotten themselves into trouble usually make good subjects for jokes.

I started with my Punch Line Maker #3, asking myself, “Who else could Jussie Smollett claim to have been attacked by?” Because I think most people by now believe that he invented that original story about being attacked by two guys, I tried to come up with a new attacker who was even more obviously invented.

My brainstorming turned toward what else was happening in the world. Valentine’s Day was approaching, so I thought of Cupid and his arrows. And I had my imaginary attacker.

I didn’t want to violate my Joke Maximizer #11–Don’t be too on-the-nose–by ending the joke something like this: “Apparently for Valentine’s Day, he told the police he was shot by Cupid.”

So instead, for the punch line I wrote a description of Cupid that was phrased the way Smollett might have described his previous supposed attackers to the police: what they did, details of what they looked like, and so on.

To telegraph the punch line as little as possible, I put the most revealing details–“wings and a diaper”–at the very end. I ended on “diaper” because its two stop consonants make it a little funnier.