Author Archives: Joe Toplyn

Joke About National Teacher Appreciation Day

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The joke:

Today in the U.S., it’s National Teacher Appreciation Day. I know, that’s a long word. Just sound it out. Uh…pree…shee…AY…shun. Can anybody tell me what that means? Anybody?

How I wrote it:

I picked this news item because the topic handle “teacher” seemed to have associations that I could use to create a punch line. Plus the item doesn’t relate to any of the tricky political issues that dominate the news these days.

I used my Punch Line Maker #1, but not in the usual way.  The usual way would have been to link an association of “teacher” to an association of another topic handle, “appreciation.” That would have resulted in a punch line that, for example, stated in a surprising way how a teacher might show or be shown appreciation.

Instead, I associated “appreciation” with its characteristic of being a relatively long word.

And to create a punch line, I linked that characteristic to an association of “teacher,” namely the way a teacher might help a young student to read a long word out loud.

My Joke Maximizer # 4 is “Make everything clear.” To clarify the connection between the punch line and “teacher,” I added an ending where the joke writer talks to his readers as if they are students in a classroom.

The word “Anybody?” at the very end adds a final surprise, and bit of humor, because it implies that the readers didn’t understand the joke they just read.

Of course, because this joke is based on how a word appears in print, it wouldn’t work if delivered orally.

Joke About Hot Glue Guns

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The joke:

Dollar Tree is recalling more than a million hot glue guns because they can malfunction. And some people are pretty angry about it. In fact, Martha Stewart said, “You can have my hot glue gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands that I’ve hot-glued it to.”

How I wrote it:

As soon as I read this news item I associated the topic handle “hot glue guns” with crafting enthusiast Martha Stewart. That is, I decided I could use my Punch Line Maker #2: Link the topic to pop culture.

Exaggerating for comic effect (as per my Joke Maximizer #8), I thought that she’d be really angry if a company tried to take away her beloved hot glue gun. And I guessed that I could write a funny punch line in which she expressed that anger.

Then I associated “guns” in “hot glue guns” with the familiar NRA slogan about gun enthusiasts having their guns taken away. So to create my punch line I just substituted “hot glue gun” in the slogan for “gun.”

But having Stewart say only “You can have my hot glue gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands” didn’t feel like quite enough to me. Maybe that’s because the slogan is so long and familiar that I thought the audience would be able to predict it based on its first few words. That is, the long punch line itself would violate my Joke Maximizer #5: Don’t telegraph the punch line.

To solve that problem, I ended the punch line with a final surprise by adding the part about hot-gluing the hot glue gun to her hands.

Finally I added the angle “And some people are pretty angry about it.” That way the audience would be in the proper mindset to quickly understand the meaning of Stewart’s quote, and of the punch line.

Joke About Will Smith’s Slap

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The joke:

Yesterday “King Richard” Oscar-winner Will Smith apologized to Chris Rock for slapping him in the face at the Academy Awards. Smith also apologized to Venus and Serena Williams for not following-through on his forehand.

How I wrote it:

I wanted to write a joke about this news item because it featured a topic handle, The Slap, that a lot of people were interested in. The handle also had a lot of associations that I could turn into punch lines.

Because the video of The Slap was so memorable, I gravitated to my Punch Line Maker #5: Visualize the topic. I thought about Smith slapping Rock and brainstormed about what that slapping motion resembled.

As I did, I remembered that Smith, another topic handle, had won an Oscar for portraying the father of two tennis superstars. I also remembered that tennis players are associated with the forehand stroke. When I realized that Smith’s slapping motion resembled a tennis forehand, I decided to link those two motions in a punch line.

To make the punch line work, I did some editing to my rough draft. My Joke Maximizer #6 is “Make the punch line parallel.” So I had Smith apologizing to people in the punch line for something he did, the same way he apologized to someone in the topic for something he did.

My Joke Maximizer #4 is “Make everything clear.” So I added to the topic a reference to “King Richard.” I wanted to make sure the audience immediately got the connection between the Williams sisters in the punch line and Will Smith.

I realized that my punch line implies that Smith wasn’t very serious in his apology to Rock. But I thought my audience would accept that implication. That’s because Smith apologized to other people at the Oscars, but not Rock.

Joke About the Sanctions on Russia

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The joke:

According to Reuters, sanctions are really hurting the Russian economy. Things are so bad that to save money commuting to work, some Russian oligarchs are yacht-pooling.

How I wrote it:

I wanted to write a joke that was related in some way to the war in Ukraine because it’s a huge news story. But I didn’t want to call the audience’s attention to the tragic aspects of the war. So I decided to write a joke about a secondary aspect–the sanctions on Russian oligarchs.

I had seen news stories about how the Russian oligarchs travel around in enormous superyachts. I thought that the idea of a superyacht being a mode of transportation was potentially funny. So I brainstormed ways to put a surprising twist on that idea.

To do that, I brainstormed associations of “transportation” and came up with “carpooling.” Then I linked that association to “yacht,” creating the punch line “yacht-pooling.”

Now I had a punch line. But I had to create the rest of the joke, the topic and the angle. Usually I start writing a joke from a topic, but not always, as in this case.

To create a topic I asked myself, who carpools? People often carpool to save money. So I needed a topic that said that Russian oligarchs are under financial pressure. An online search yielded the Reuters story that I pressed into service as my topic.

My Joke Maximizer #4 advises, “Make everything clear,” and the weird expression “yacht-pooling” could potentially confuse an audience. To minimize confusion, I included the phrase “to save money commuting to work” in the angle. That phrase makes it easier for the audience to make the mental connection to carpooling when they hear the punch line.

Joke About McDonald’s in Russia

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The joke:

Today McDonald’s said it’s closing all its restaurants in Russia because of Ukraine. Is that a good idea? If McDonald’s really wants to hurt the Russians it should open up more restaurants, hand out free artery-clogging fries and Big Macs, attack the Russians from the inside.

How I wrote it:

Russia’s invasion of Ukraine is a huge news story, so I didn’t think I could ignore it. At the same time, it’s a difficult story to write jokes about because large numbers of innocent people are dying and getting displaced. If an audience is thinking about those tragic facts, they won’t laugh.

To write jokes about a high-profile but upsetting topic, a useful technique is to steer clear of the most disturbing aspects of the topic. So if the topic is Russia invading Ukraine, a joke writer wouldn’t remind the audience of all the death and destruction.

Instead, the writer would focus on a secondary, less-upsetting aspect of the topic. In this case, I noticed that McDonald’s is closing all its restaurants in Russia.

Now I had a topic somewhat related to Russia’s invasion that I thought the audience would let me joke about. So I used my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic.

One handle of the topic is “McDonald’s,” which I associate with “unhealthful food.” The other topic handle is “Russia,” which nowadays I associate with “needs to be attacked.” I linked those two associations in a punch line that suggests using McDonald’s food to attack the Russians.

In editing the joke I used my Joke Maximizer #9–Get specific. I did that by listing particular menu items instead of just writing “unhealthful food.”

And when I chose those menu items I employed my Joke Maximizer #7–Use stop consonants, alliteration, and assonance. “Hand out free artery-clogging fries and Big Macs” has nine stop consonants, a lot for only twelve syllables.

Joke About Simone Biles’s Engagement

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The joke:

Olympian gymnast Simone Biles and NFL player Jonathan Owens just got engaged. They said they fell head over heels in love, although in Biles’s case it was head over heels over head over heels over head then a double salto layout with a half-twist and she stuck the landing.

How I wrote it:

I thought I could turn this news item into a joke because it offered two topic handles–“Simone Biles” and “got engaged”–each of which has a lot of associations. That meant I could use my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic.

As I brainstormed associations of Biles, I pictured her doing handsprings in one of her floor exercise routines. That mental image suggested the phrase “head over heels.” The phrase probably popped into my head because I was also pondering associations of “got engaged.” One of those associations is “fell in love,” which has the sub-association “head over heels.”

Once I found the link “head over heels,” I realized my punch line could describe Biles performing a floor exercise routine.

Because “head over heels” is an essential part of the joke, I included it in the angle. That way the angle would smoothly and clearly guide the audience from the topic to the punch line.

My Joke Maximizer #9 is “Get specific.” So when I described Biles’s routine I wanted to include a lot of detail; a detailed description would summon up an unexpectedly vivid mental picture in the audience’s mind, increasing the surprise of the punch line.

So I searched online for something like “difficult gymnastics moves.” Eventually I spotted “a double salto layout with a half-twist,” which seemed like the sort of move that might conclude a series of “head-over-heels” handsprings. It’s also, I learned, a move that’s named after Biles. I thought fans of gymnastics might appreciate that extra level of detail, so The Biles went into my punch line.

Joke About Putin’s Valentine

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The joke:

Monday is Valentine’s Day, and everybody’s getting into the spirit. Even Vladimir Putin sent Ukraine a Valentine reading “Won’t you be mine?”

How I wrote it:

I wanted to write a joke about Valentine’s Day because it’s a well-known cultural phenomenon. It also has lots of associations–cards, candy, flowers, Cupid, and so on–which makes it a fertile topic for joke-writing.

Valentine’s Day is such a fertile topic that when I wrote for “Late Night with David Letterman” we did a Desk Piece called something like “How They’re Celebrating Valentine’s Day.” It consisted of about a dozen jokes linking various associations of Valentine’s Day to associations of various celebrities.

Remembering that Desk Piece, I decided to use my Punch Line Maker #2: Link the topic to pop culture. Because Russia’s possible invasion of Ukraine was also in the news, I decided to link Valentine’s Day to Russian president Vladimir Putin.

To do that, I brainstormed associations of Valentine’s Day, one of which is those little candy hearts with sayings printed on them. The first such saying that popped into my head was “Be Mine.” Luckily for me, “Be Mine” seemed to express how Putin feels about Ukraine. So I had the idea for my punch line.

Mentioning the candy hearts in the actual joke seemed unnecessarily distracting. So I simplified the joke by having Putin just send Ukraine a Valentine with the saying.

But I worded the saying as “Won’t you be mine?” instead of “Be Mine.” Shorter is usually better, but I thought that making the joke clearer was worth adding two words.

If Russia does invade Ukraine, jokes like this will be trickier to pull off. But because the tanks haven’t rolled yet, I decided this joke would be acceptable to the audience.

Joke About the New White House Cat

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The joke:

There’s a new White House pet, a short-haired cat named Willow. Between all the napping, getting groomed, and wandering around aimlessly, President Biden hasn’t had the time to meet the cat yet.

How I wrote it:

I thought I could turn this news item into a joke because the topic handles “cat” and “White House” each seemed to have enough associations to link into a punch line.

Turning to my Punch Line Maker #1–Link two associations of the topic–I brainstormed activities that could be associated with both a cat and President Biden. I was aiming for a joke that misleads the audience into thinking I’m talking about the cat but actually–surprise!–I’m talking about Biden.

Napping and wandering around aimlessly were the first two activities that came to mind. Cats are known for engaging in them, and I thought my audience would associate them with Biden, too.

I could have settled for just those two activities but I wanted to add a third, to strengthen the misdirection. Ideally the third activity would be one that people would, at first, associate more with cats than with Biden. “Getting groomed” did the job.

I considered keeping the punch line shorter, wording it as “President Biden hasn’t met the cat yet.” But I decided that that wording could mean the cat has been so busy that it hasn’t been available to meet Biden yet. So, for clarity, I added the phrase about Biden not having the time.

The original news item centered on the Bidens adopting the cat. But I took any reference to Biden out of the topic sentence. That’s because my Joke Maximizer #5 is “Don’t telegraph the punch line.”

Joke About a Pfizer Pill in France

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The joke:

Today Pfizer said it will add a production facility for its antiviral Covid-19 pill in France. Is that a good idea? If you’re making a pill that gives you back your sense of smell, do you really want to do that in France?

How I wrote it:

I chose this news item to base a joke on because it has two handles–“Covid-19” and “France”–that seemed to have enough associations. Plus I asked myself why Pfizer might think that France was a good place to make pills that fight Covid-19.

That question pointed me toward my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic. As I brainstormed associations of “Covid-19” and “France,” I tried to think of how to link them in a way that would explain Pfizer’s decision.

One association of “Covid-19” is “lose your sense of smell.” And one association of “France” is “smelly,” thanks to its reputation for stinky cheeses and infrequent bathing. So I decided to create a punch line stating that Pfizer’s decision was somehow connected to the smelliness of the French.

To figure out the wording of the punch line, I worked out an underlying logic: Because the French are perceived as smelly, you wouldn’t want a sense of smell if you were in France. But Pfizer’s pill would give back the sense of smell to people in France with Covid-19. So maybe building that pill facility in France isn’t a good idea.

Shortening and tidying up that chain of logic gave me my angle and punch line. As I edited, I obeyed my Joke Maximizer #11: Don’t be too on-the-nose. The final punch line doesn’t state directly that the French are smelly, as this version does: “If you make a pill that gives you back your sense of smell, then more people will have to smell the stinky French.”

Joke About Prince Andrew’s Titles

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The joke:

Today Buckingham Palace announced that Prince Andrew has been stripped of all his military titles and charities. The good news is, for those plane trips to Jeffrey Epstein’s private island, Prince Andrew gets to keep the frequent flyer miles.

How I wrote it:

I chose this topic because it was a big news story. Plus it’s fun to use comedy to “punch up” at a prince.

I went with my Punch Line Maker #3–Ask a question about the topic. That’s because the topic invited the question “What other nice things did Prince Andrew lose?”

Something silly like “the balance on his Starbucks gift card” seemed too arbitrary because it wasn’t linked to a topic handle.

But Starbucks gift cards reminded me of airline frequent flyer miles. And airline frequent flyer miles reminded me of an association of the topic handle “Prince Andrew,” namely “Jeffrey Epstein.”

I remembered that accused sex trafficker Epstein had a private island, and I confirmed online that Prince Andrew had flown there. That information made it possible for me to answer my question about what else Prince Andrew lost with a punch line about the frequent flier miles related to his alleged sex trips.

I used the angle “the good news is” because it heightens the surprise of the punch line; it leads the audience to expect some counterbalancing good news for Prince Andrew. But ultimately the news is, in the context of the really bad news, totally insignificant.

My Joke Maximizer #2 is “End on the laugh trigger.” That’s why the joke doesn’t end in a more natural-sounding but less surprising way like “The good news is, Prince Andrew gets to keep the frequent flyer miles he earned for those plane trips to Jeffrey Epstein’s private island.”