Author Archives: Joe Toplyn

Joke About Squirrels and the Coronavirus

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The joke:

In New York City, there’s a new field hospital for coronavirus patients in Central Park. It has the squirrels so concerned that they’re rubbing Purell on their nuts.

How I wrote it:

This news item caught my eye because it had to do with Central Park. More on that later.

To write the joke I used my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic. One topic handle, “coronavirus,” has the association “Purell.” The other topic handle, “Central Park,” has the association “squirrels.”

My punch line links those two associations by stating that the squirrels are rubbing Purell on either their food or their genitals, depending on how you interpret the wordplay.

This joke is a tribute to the Central Park squirrel jokes that Dave Letterman often told in his “Late Show” monologue. This joke is typical: “It was so hot in Central Park today, I saw a squirrel rubbing sunblock on his nuts.”

For more of Dave’s squirrel jokes, here’s a short video of celebrities retelling some of them:

Part of the fun of Dave’s squirrel jokes is that “nuts,” in the context of the joke, can often only mean “genitals.” For example, nuts such as acorns don’t need sunblock no matter how hot it is.

But I like the fact that in my joke, the wordplay punch line really does have a double meaning. In this pandemic, people are not only rubbing Purell on parts of their body, but also on objects they touch frequently. So in the case of anthropomorphic squirrels, those objects could conceivably include the food they’ve gathered.

Joke About a Toilet Paper Calculator

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The joke:

A new website can calculate how long your supply of toilet paper will last. You just input your height, your weight, and whether you eat at Chipotle.

How I wrote it:

I picked this topic because a joke about calculating toilet paper usage seemed like it could proceed in a lot of different directions.

I turned to my Punch Line Maker #3 and asked this natural question about the topic: “Who might need a lot of toilet paper?”

To answer that question, I brainstormed associations of the topic handle “toilet paper.” One such association is “diarrhea,” which to me is associated with “Chipotle.” To make sure the audience was likely to make the same association, I double-checked online that Chipotle had had outbreaks of E. coli, which causes diarrhea.

After I decided that my laugh trigger would be “Chipotle,” I employed my Joke Maximizer #10–Use the Rule of Three–to write an angle that would smoothly bridge between the topic and that laugh trigger. Doing a list just felt right.

The real toilet paper website doesn’t ask you for your height and weight, but I decided to list those inputs because they’re plausible and short. I always try to obey my Joke Maximizer #1–Shorten as much as possible.

I also kept the joke short by not mentioning the coronavirus in the topic, even though it was the reason for creating the website. I didn’t think that detail was necessary, particularly since it would probably remind the audience of the unfunny pandemic and therefore hurt the joke.

Joke About Google and the Coronavirus

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The joke:

Today Google announced a website in the U.S. where you can go to get information about the coronavirus. They’re calling it “Google.”

How I wrote it:

One reason this news item attracted my attention is that both topic handles–“Google” and “coronavirus”–have multiple associations that might be linked to create a punch line.

So first I tried using my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic. I associated “Google” with “lack of privacy” and tried to think of a punch line like “And now the coronavirus is furious because Google stole its credit card numbers.” But I abandoned that approach because I couldn’t get the logic to work.

Instead I thought more about the topic and realized that it lent itself to my Punch Line Maker #6: State the obvious about the topic. To me, an obvious question about the topic is, “Doesn’t Google give you information about everything, not just about the coronavirus?” And the obvious answer is “yes.”

Which means that the punch line should be some way of saying, “Google has always been where you can get information about the coronavirus.” The punch line “They’re calling it ‘Google'” states that very economically, consistent with my Joke Maximizer #1: “Shorten as much as possible.”

I also clarified the logic of my rough draft of the joke by changing “launched a new website” to “announced a website.” The latter wording is true to the facts of the news item but is also consistent with the website turning out to be just Google.

Punch Line Maker #6 doesn’t often fit a topic but I use it whenever I can because its unfamiliar approach results in jokes that are a little extra surprising and therefore a little extra funny.

Joke About Jussie Smollett

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The joke:

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson tested positive for coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Jussie Smollett says he was attacked by a coronavirus wearing a MAGA hat.

How I wrote it:

I started with the punch line and worked backwards using my Punch Line Maker #2–Link the topic to pop culture.

The coronavirus pandemic is obviously a big story so I wanted to use it as a springboard to comedy. One useful way to mine a big story for jokes is to think about how it affects various celebrities.

To do that, I thought of an association of “coronavirus”–“attacked by”–and then brainstormed celebrities who were “attacked by” someone or something. Jussie Smollett is still in the news for his claims of having been attacked by someone shouting about MAGA, so I grafted “coronavirus” into Smollett’s claim to get my punch line.

Once I had my punch line, I needed a topic. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson were other celebrities affected by the coronavirus at the time, so I used the news item about them.

Finally I added an angle–“Not to be outdone.” The angle is logical because it reflects Smollett’s apparent need to call attention to himself.

The coronavirus pandemic is a tricky topic for jokes because people are dying. The way to write jokes about a sensitive topic is to steer clear of its most disturbing aspects.

So in writing this joke I didn’t call to mind any graphic details of the pandemic, like the current death toll. Instead I diverted the attention of the audience onto a deserving pop culture figure to get a laugh.

Joke About the New James Bond Movie

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The joke:

The release of the new James Bond movie has been postponed to November because of the coronavirus. Apparently they’re adding a scene where Q gives Bond a special wristwatch that shoots hand sanitizer.

How I wrote it:

I gravitated toward this news item because it combines two topics that many people are interested in: James Bond and the coronavirus.

The news item also promised to be a fertile topic for joke writing because it has two handles, each of which has lots of associations. Thanks to Punch Line Maker #1–Link two associations of the topic–lots of associations means lots of opportunities to create a punch line.

The first handle, “James Bond,” has as one association “gadget,” which has the sub-association “special wristwatch.”

The second handle, “coronavirus,” has the association “hand sanitizer.” To create the punch line, I linked those associations by stating that Bond’s special wristwatch shoots hand sanitizer.

I made sure to use my Joke Maximizer #4, “Make everything clear,” where “clear” includes “logical.” A wristwatch is a more logical gadget than, say, a pen to shoot hand sanitizer because a watch is near your hand. And the angle of the joke is logical because adding a new scene is a plausible reason to postpone the release of a movie.

I chose the laugh trigger “hand sanitizer” instead of something more specific like “Purell” because I thought it made Bond sound like more of a germaphobe and was therefore more surprising and funnier.

Joke About Jussie Smollett

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The joke:

Actor Jussie Smollett faces new charges of lying to the police about being attacked. Apparently for Valentine’s Day, he told the police he was shot with an arrow by a chubby little guy with wings and a diaper.

How I wrote it:

In Touch Weekly reprinted this joke in its March 9, 2020, edition (see below).

I wanted to write about this news item because it was the latest chapter in a story that’s gotten a lot of attention. Plus celebrities who have gotten themselves into trouble usually make good subjects for jokes.

I started with my Punch Line Maker #3, asking myself, “Who else could Jussie Smollett claim to have been attacked by?” Because I think most people by now believe that he invented that original story about being attacked by two guys, I tried to come up with a new attacker who was even more obviously invented.

My brainstorming turned toward what else was happening in the world. Valentine’s Day was approaching, so I thought of Cupid and his arrows. And I had my imaginary attacker.

I didn’t want to violate my Joke Maximizer #11–Don’t be too on-the-nose–by ending the joke something like this: “Apparently for Valentine’s Day, he told the police he was shot by Cupid.”

So instead, for the punch line I wrote a description of Cupid that was phrased the way Smollett might have described his previous supposed attackers to the police: what they did, details of what they looked like, and so on.

To telegraph the punch line as little as possible, I put the most revealing details–“wings and a diaper”–at the very end. I ended on “diaper” because its two stop consonants make it a little funnier.

Joke About the Coronavirus

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The joke:

The CDC says that the risk of the coronavirus to Americans is low. So if you see somebody who’s nauseous, vomiting, coughing up blood…it’s just Mike Bloomberg after last night’s debate.

How I wrote it:

Sometimes when writing a joke you can start with a punch line and work backwards.

I wanted to write a joke about the Democratic debate, and about how most of the candidates took turns attacking Mike Bloomberg, because it was a big story.

Using my Joke Maximizer #8–Wildly exaggerate–I imagined the other candidates physically punching and kicking Bloomberg until he staggered around, woozy and coughing up blood.

So this rough structure of a joke formed in my mind: describe those symptoms, and then unexpectedly reveal in the punch line that I’m talking about Bloomberg after the debate.

But I usually start writing a joke by selecting a topic, and this time I didn’t have one; I only had a punch line.

Any topic I created couldn’t mention the debate itself because that would violate my Joke Maximizer #5–Don’t telegraph the punch line.

So instead I thought about who else might have symptoms like Bloomberg’s. And I realized that if I worded the symptoms carefully they could also apply to a victim of the coronavirus, which was also in the news. That led me to writing a topic about the coronavirus.

The topic sentence I came up with not only fit the structure of the joke I wanted but was also true; I confirmed it on the CDC website. The topic of a joke should be factually true so it doesn’t distract the audience on their way to the punch line.

Joke About Huawei Stealing Secrets

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The joke:

The Justice Department is accusing Chinese telecommunications company Huawei of stealing U.S. trade secrets. Officials became suspicious when they saw Huawei banging on a trash can in their dugout.

How I wrote it:

This news item had appeared pretty prominently in the media for a few days so I wanted to write a joke about it.

The two most likely topic handles are “Huawei” and “stealing secrets,” but I wasn’t sure an audience would know much about that Chinese telecommunications company.

So instead of using “Huawei” to help generate a punch line, I focused on “stealing secrets” and turned to my Punch Line Maker #2: Link the topic to pop culture.

“Stealing secrets” was associated in my mind with another big story at the time about how the Houston Astros cheated by stealing signs during ballgames. So I decided to base my punch line on linking Huawei to the Astros.

At first I considered ending the joke something like this: “On the plus side, Huawei was just hired to manage the Houston Astros.” But that didn’t seem to make the connection to stealing secrets clearly enough, and my Joke Maximizer #4 is “Make everything clear.”

I also didn’t want the punch line to be too on-the-nose. So I ended the joke by painting a vivid mental picture of Huawei’s forbidden activity without explicitly saying “stealing secrets.”

I was pleased that “banging on a trash can in their dugout” sounded funny, having some assonance and many stop consonants.

I ended on “dugout” because I thought it was the most surprising word in the punch line by a little bit.

Joke About Pelosi’s Speech-Ripping

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The joke:

At the end of President Trump’s State of the Union address, Nancy Pelosi ripped his speech in half. Then she proposed expanding health care coverage to include pre-existing paper cuts.

How I wrote it:

I wanted to write about the speech-ripping because it grabbed my interest and got a lot of media coverage, which are characteristics of a promising joke topic.

I turned to Punch Line Maker #3–Ask a question about the topic–and after trying out a few questions I settled on “What might happen if you tore up all that paper?” One answer to that question–you’d get a lot of paper cuts–became the basis of my punch line.

But I thought that ending the joke something like this would have been ineffective: “Nancy Pelosi ripped his speech in half and got a lot of paper cuts.” The joke needed an angle, to misdirect the audience on their way to the punch line.

To come up with an angle, I thought more about paper cuts and associated them with requiring medical treatment. Then I associated medical treatment with health care coverage, which is an important issue for the Democrats. That’s how I came up with the angle about Pelosi’s health care proposal.

I could have just ended the joke with “to include paper cuts.” But I added “pre-existing” to “paper cuts” because of my Joke Maximizer #7: Use stop consonants, alliteration, and assonance.

Plus “pre-existing” made sense in the context of the joke; when the proposed health care coverage took effect, Pelosi’s paper cuts would be pre-existing. If the word didn’t make sense, adding it might distract the audience from laughing.

Joke About Apple Stores in China

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The joke:

Apple is temporarily closing its 42 stores in China because of the coronavirus. Now any Chinese citizen who wants an iPhone will have to ask their child to make them one.

How I wrote it:

I was attracted to this news item because it’s related to the coronavirus epidemic, a big story.

I used my Punch Line Maker #3–Ask a question about the topic–asking myself the natural question “How will people in China get iPhones now?”

To create a punch line, I focused on the topic handle “China.” In my mind, “China” is associated with “makes iPhones,” which has the sub-association “uses child labor.” And that sub-association became the basis of a punch line that answers my original question.

Do children still work in Chinese iPhone factories, like those run by Foxconn? I think so, based on an internet search. But what matters more to the joke’s effectiveness is only whether most people would believe that children still work in Chinese iPhone factories. And I thought that most people would, given the news stories I’ve read on the subject and the jokes I’ve heard over the last ten years or so.

Notice that the joke topic has three possible handles–“Apple,” “China,” and “coronavirus.” I never considered using that last one, because it would have been too hard to write an acceptable joke based on the associations of “coronavirus.” At this point, most of those associations would probably call to mind disturbing details of the outbreak that would make people reluctant to laugh.