Author Archives: Joe Toplyn

Joke About Huawei Stealing Secrets

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The joke:

The Justice Department is accusing Chinese telecommunications company Huawei of stealing U.S. trade secrets. Officials became suspicious when they saw Huawei banging on a trash can in their dugout.

How I wrote it:

This news item had appeared pretty prominently in the media for a few days so I wanted to write a joke about it.

The two most likely topic handles are “Huawei” and “stealing secrets,” but I wasn’t sure an audience would know much about that Chinese telecommunications company.

So instead of using “Huawei” to help generate a punch line, I focused on “stealing secrets” and turned to my Punch Line Maker #2: Link the topic to pop culture.

“Stealing secrets” was associated in my mind with another big story at the time about how the Houston Astros cheated by stealing signs during ballgames. So I decided to base my punch line on linking Huawei to the Astros.

At first I considered ending the joke something like this: “On the plus side, Huawei was just hired to manage the Houston Astros.” But that didn’t seem to make the connection to stealing secrets clearly enough, and my Joke Maximizer #4 is “Make everything clear.”

I also didn’t want the punch line to be too on-the-nose. So I ended the joke by painting a vivid mental picture of Huawei’s forbidden activity without explicitly saying “stealing secrets.”

I was pleased that “banging on a trash can in their dugout” sounded funny, having some assonance and many stop consonants.

I ended on “dugout” because I thought it was the most surprising word in the punch line by a little bit.

Joke About Pelosi’s Speech-Ripping

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The joke:

At the end of President Trump’s State of the Union address, Nancy Pelosi ripped his speech in half. Then she proposed expanding health care coverage to include pre-existing paper cuts.

How I wrote it:

I wanted to write about the speech-ripping because it grabbed my interest and got a lot of media coverage, which are characteristics of a promising joke topic.

I turned to Punch Line Maker #3–Ask a question about the topic–and after trying out a few questions I settled on “What might happen if you tore up all that paper?” One answer to that question–you’d get a lot of paper cuts–became the basis of my punch line.

But I thought that ending the joke something like this would have been ineffective: “Nancy Pelosi ripped his speech in half and got a lot of paper cuts.” The joke needed an angle, to misdirect the audience on their way to the punch line.

To come up with an angle, I thought more about paper cuts and associated them with requiring medical treatment. Then I associated medical treatment with health care coverage, which is an important issue for the Democrats. That’s how I came up with the angle about Pelosi’s health care proposal.

I could have just ended the joke with “to include paper cuts.” But I added “pre-existing” to “paper cuts” because of my Joke Maximizer #7: Use stop consonants, alliteration, and assonance.

Plus “pre-existing” made sense in the context of the joke; when the proposed health care coverage took effect, Pelosi’s paper cuts would be pre-existing. If the word didn’t make sense, adding it might distract the audience from laughing.

Joke About Apple Stores in China

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The joke:

Apple is temporarily closing its 42 stores in China because of the coronavirus. Now any Chinese citizen who wants an iPhone will have to ask their child to make them one.

How I wrote it:

I was attracted to this news item because it’s related to the coronavirus epidemic, a big story.

I used my Punch Line Maker #3–Ask a question about the topic–asking myself the natural question “How will people in China get iPhones now?”

To create a punch line, I focused on the topic handle “China.” In my mind, “China” is associated with “makes iPhones,” which has the sub-association “uses child labor.” And that sub-association became the basis of a punch line that answers my original question.

Do children still work in Chinese iPhone factories, like those run by Foxconn? I think so, based on an internet search. But what matters more to the joke’s effectiveness is only whether most people would believe that children still work in Chinese iPhone factories. And I thought that most people would, given the news stories I’ve read on the subject and the jokes I’ve heard over the last ten years or so.

Notice that the joke topic has three possible handles–“Apple,” “China,” and “coronavirus.” I never considered using that last one, because it would have been too hard to write an acceptable joke based on the associations of “coronavirus.” At this point, most of those associations would probably call to mind disturbing details of the outbreak that would make people reluctant to laugh.

Joke About the Grammy Nominations

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The joke:

A former Recording Academy official claims that the nominations for the Grammy Awards are “rigged.” The claim was immediately denied by the frontrunner for “Best New Artist,” Vladimir Putin.

How I wrote it:

This was a pretty big news story at the time, right before the Grammy Awards show, so I thought a mass audience might be interested in a joke about it.

To create the joke I used my Punch Line Maker #2: Link the topic to pop culture. The topic handle “rigged nominations” is associated with “rigged voting,” so I asked myself who or what else in pop culture is associated with that in most people’s minds.

Donald Trump’s impeachment trial was underway, so Russia’s alleged interference in the 2016 U.S. presidential election came quickly to mind and I decided to base my punch line on that.

But I didn’t want to write a punch line that was on-the-nose, something like “She says that the nominations were rigged by Russia.” Instead, I wanted to make the punch line more indirect by ending it on “Vladimir Putin.” Another reason to end on that name is that it sounds funny to me, thanks in part to its three stop consonants.

Finally I added an angle that connects the topic and punch line in a smooth and logical way. Because Putin is a person, I made him a Grammy nominee as evidence of Russian interference. “Best New Artist” seemed like a logical category for him.

I also had Putin deny the claim of nomination rigging, which he would do if he really were a nominee.

Joke About the Movie “Joker”

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The joke:

The movie “Joker” got 11 Oscar nominations. Hollywood insiders say it was the most votes cast for a deranged super-villain since the 2016 presidential election.

How I wrote it:

I focused on this news item because it was a pretty big story that I thought a lot of people would be interested in.

Also, I thought I could base a good joke on who the topic handle “joker” supposedly refers to. That is, I wanted to use Punch Line Maker #2: Link the topic to pop culture.

But “joker” didn’t call to mind any surprising celebrity in particular. I considered President Trump, but he doesn’t really joke around.

Still, I thought Trump had potential for a punch line. So I came up with a description of the Joker character–“deranged super-villain”–that could also apply to Trump, thereby linking the two.

Consistent with my Joke Maximizer #11–Don’t be too on-the-nose–I only referred to Trump indirectly in the laugh trigger, instead of naming him outright.

Because many people wouldn’t agree that Trump is a “deranged super-villain,” I said that that description came from “Hollywood insiders,” a group that most people would agree is ultra-liberal. That way my punch line would have the ring of truth to a wider audience.

Although “with weird hair” also applies to both the Joker and Trump, I left it out of the joke because I thought it would telegraph the punch line. Also, Trump hair jokes have been tired for a long time.

Joke About Harvey Weinstein’s Jury

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The joke:

Jury selection in Harvey Weinstein’s trial is now underway. Harvey invites women who would like to be on his jury to come up to his hotel room to discuss it over cocktails.

How I wrote it:

Harvey Weinstein’s legal problems are an excellent source of joke topics. Because he used to be a powerful Hollywood bigwig, and his troubles are of his own creation, making a joke at his expense is definitely “punching up.”

When I saw that news item, the question formed in my mind, “How is that jury being selected?” That is, I gravitated to my Punch Line Maker #3: Ask a question about the topic.

My next step was to answer that question using associations of the topic. The main handle of the topic, “Harvey Weinstein,” has a lot of associations, like how he’d offer women roles in exchange for sexual favors, and how he’d meet those women in his hotel room instead of a public place.

So I answered my original question, and came up with a punch line, by imagining a characteristic way in which Weinstein might cast his jury.

To make sure that he’s capable of doing what the punch line says, I double-checked that he’s out on bail. A joke has to have clear logic in order to be as funny as possible.

I ended on “cocktails” because the word has an appropriate air of lechery about it. Also, my Joke Maximizer #7 is “Use stop consonants, alliteration, and assonance,” and “cocktails” packs three stop consonants into only two syllables.

Joke About Bernie Sanders’s Health

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The joke:

Two cardiologists declared that Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is in good health. But this is odd. The doctors said he has a left ventricle and a far-left ventricle.

How I wrote it:

This news item caught my attention because health care has a lot of potentially useful associations and Bernie has a few solid associations, too.

To write the joke I used my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic. Bernie has the association “left,” which has the sub-association “far-left.” “Cardiologists” has the association “ventricle,” which has the sub-association “left ventricle.” My laugh trigger “far-left ventricle” links the two sub-associations.

To get a laugh, a punch line has to be accepted by most people as true. I thought that most people would accept that Bernie, as one of the farthest-left presidential candidates, would have at least one body part that could be described as “far-left.”

After I created the punch line, I completed the joke by adding the angle “But this is odd. The doctors said…” to connect the punch line logically, clearly, and naturally to the topic.

The original news item stated that Bernie released letters from three doctors, including the two cardiologists. But I didn’t mention the third doctor in my topic sentence in order to shorten the joke as much as possible, as my Joke Maximizer #1 recommends.

I got lucky that I could end the joke on “ventricle.” That word is funnier-than-average, thanks to its two stop consonant sounds, “t” and “k.”

Joke About the Founder of QVC

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The joke:

The founder of the television shopping network QVC died. He was 88, marked down from his regular age of 152.

How I wrote it:

This news item caught my eye because the QVC network and death each have a lot of potentially useful associations.

But “death jokes,” although they’re a familiar format, can be tricky. When are they acceptable?

The formula “Comedy equals tragedy plus time” means that even somebody’s death can be an acceptable joke topic if enough time has passed. But the founder of QVC died very recently. Does that mean the news item is off-limits?

Not necessarily, because I also consult another formula that I devised: “Comedy equals tragedy minus emotional connection.” Although people close to the QVC founder wouldn’t be amused by a joke about his passing, most people have little emotional connection to him. That means they would probably allow themselves to laugh, especially because the founder died a natural death.

Once I decided that a joke about that news item would probably be acceptable to a mass audience, I turned to my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic.

One handle of the topic, “died,” has the association “age of the deceased.” The other topic handle, “QVC,” has the association “marked down from regular price.”

My punch line links those two associations by stating that the age of the deceased had been marked down from his unrealistically-high “regular age.”

Joke About the Articles of Impeachment

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The joke:

House Democrats haven’t sent the two articles of impeachment to the Senate yet. They say they’re waiting to add a third article so they can get free shipping.

How I wrote it:

This news item was one of the top stories of the day, so I wanted to write a joke about it. The nature of the story pointed me towards Punch Line Maker #3: Ask a question about the topic.

The obvious question to me was, “Why haven’t they sent the two articles yet?” To create a punch line, I answered that question using associations of handles of the topic.

One topic handle, “sent,” has the association “mailed,” which has the sub-association “free shipping.” That sub-association was particularly top-of-mind when I wrote the joke, during the heart of the Christmas shopping season.

A second topic handle, “two articles,” has the association “three articles.” So I was able to link “free shipping” and “three articles” to create a punch line that answered my original question about why House Democrats are waiting to send the articles.

My experience writing for broadcast network TV shows has instilled in me a desire to entertain as large an audience as possible; ratings are very important. That means crafting political jokes that are unlikely to “split the room.” This joke is a good example of that.

Whatever you feel about President Trump and the Democrats, you’d have to agree with the facts that the joke needs you to accept as true, like the fact that the Democrats delayed sending the articles to the Senate and the fact that they did consider adding more articles of impeachment.

Joke About Stolen Money

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The joke:

A man was arrested for allegedly stealing $88,000 from a bank after he posted photos of the stolen cash on social media. He posted the photos on Facecrook and YouBoob.

How I wrote it:

When I read this news item I thought, “What an idiot.” Because the item provoked that emotional reaction from me I thought it might also interest an audience, which made it a promising topic for a joke.

To me the topic invited the question, “What social media did he post the photos on?” so I used my Punch Line Maker #3: Ask a question about the topic. To get a punch line, I answered that question using associations of the topic.

One obvious handle of the topic, “social media,” has the association “Facebook.” Another handle, “stealing,” has the association “crook.” Linking those two associations to form a fake website gave me a laugh trigger.

Because the handle “social media” seemed fertile, I tried to generate a second laugh trigger. The handle “What an idiot” has the association “boob,” which I blended with a second social media website, “YouTube.”

I considered adding a third laugh trigger combining “nitwit” and “Twitter,” but I thought “Nitwitter” wouldn’t be immediately clear.

Once I had the laugh triggers I went back to the topic and applied my Joke Maximizer #1: Shorten as much as possible. I shortened the original CNN news item, which had the headline “Prosecutors say a man stole $88,000 from a bank vault. The FBI caught him after he flashed stacks of bills on social media.”