Author Archives: Joe Toplyn

Joke About Vladimir Putin

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The joke:

Today Russian President Vladimir Putin signed a law allowing him to run for president two more times. The law also extended absentee voting: whoever votes against Putin goes mysteriously absent.

How I wrote it:

I focused on this news item because I felt like, for a change, writing a joke about a politician who isn’t American. Plus this story made the national news in the U.S., so I thought my audience might have some interest in it.

First I distilled the news item into a topic sentence that contained only the elements I thought I’d need to write a joke. Some versions of the item had a headline like “Putin signs law that could keep him in Kremlin until 2036.” Other versions had a headline like “Putin signs law allowing him to run for two more terms as Russian President.” I adapted the latter headline into my topic sentence because it referred more directly to elections, and I sensed that I’d be writing a punch line about the election process.

Once I had a topic sentence, I used my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic. One topic handle, “run for president,” has the association “voting,” which has the sub-association “absentee voter.”

The other topic handle, “Vladimir Putin,” is associated in most people’s minds with “does terrible things to political opponents.” So I realized I could link the two topic handles with a punch line featuring some wordplay on “absentee voter.”

But working out the exact wording was a little tricky. I wanted to use my Joke Maximizer #6: Make the punch line parallel. But making the angle and punch line both refer to “absentee voter” would result in a punch line something like “whoever votes against Putin mysteriously becomes an absentee voter,” which doesn’t clearly communicate the idea that Putin is making them disappear. The wording that I settled on trades parallelism for clarity.

Joke About Marshmallow Peeps

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The joke:

It’s almost Easter, and for a lot of people that means Marshmallow Peeps. There are marshmallow bunnies, marshmallow chicks, and new this year for Covid–marshmallow bats.

How I wrote it:

I wanted to write a joke about Easter because the holiday, two days away, was in a lot of people’s minds. Plus the topic of Easter is only relevant once a year, so I try to take advantage of it when I can.

To write this joke I used my Punch Line Maker #2: Link the topic to pop culture. I started by brainstorming associations of the topic handle “Easter,” landing on “Marshmallow Peeps.”

That candy has sub-associations which are the animal shapes it comes in, like bunny and chick. And those animal shapes called to mind something that is not mentioned in the topic but which is also associated with animals–the coronavirus.

So I created a punch line that links Easter with another cultural phenomenon, Covid-19, by means of a Peep shaped like an animal linked to the coronavirus–a bat.

To be sure the audience would quickly grasp the significance of the bat in the punch line, I made sure to also mention Covid.

I also made the punch line more effective with my Joke Maximizer #10: Use the Rule of Three; “marshmallow bats” is the third in a list of Peep varieties.

After I posted this joke online, somebody informed me that actual bat-shaped Peeps used to be available for purchase. Anybody in my audience who had known that probably would have found the punch line less surprising and, therefore, less funny.

If I had heard beforehand about the real bat Peeps I might have also used my Joke Maximizer #9–Get specific–and added to the surprise with a more detailed punch line like “marshmallow horseshoe bats.”

Joke About Free Doughnuts

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The joke:

Krispy Kreme will give you a free glazed doughnut every day this year if you’ve received a Covid-19 vaccination. It’s all part of their new Covid promotion: “Fattening the Curve.”

How I wrote it:

This news item drew my attention because it has two topic handles, “doughnut” and “Covid-19 vaccination,” with plenty of associations that I could feed into my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic.

Also, the news item gave me the opportunity to write a joke about a huge and ongoing news story–the pandemic–without highlighting any of its ugly details.

One of the associations of “doughnut” is “fattening.” One of the associations of “Covid-19 vaccination” is “flattening the curve.” To create the punch line, I linked those two associations by substituting “fattening” for “flattening,” taking advantage of the wordplay between the two words.

To make sure the audience immediately got the connection between “fattening the curve” and the doughnut promotion, I made sure to include details in the topic that emphasize how potentially fattening the promotion is, details like “glazed” and “every day this year.”

Some people don’t like puns and other wordplay. But wordplay can be funny as long as it’s part of a joke that’s well-constructed, like this one. I expand on that point in this article, “Why Do People Not Like Puns.”

I call the type of wordplay punch line in this joke a substitution punch line. If you’re teaching computers how to crack jokes, as I am, jokes with substitution punch lines are some of the low-hanging fruit.

For details on my computational humor invention, which centers on wordplay jokes, read my patent here.

Joke About a Sexual Consent App

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The joke:

Today an Australian police official suggested developing a phone app that would document sexual consent. He said it would be like the website “Go Fund Me” but with two different consonants.

How I wrote it:

I focused on this news item because the two topic handles, “phone app” and “sexual consent,” promised to have enough associations for me to use my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic.

I thought I might link two associations using wordplay, so I brainstormed phone apps to see if a word or syllable in one of their names could be replaced with a word related to “sexual consent.”

I started with the word that’s probably most commonly associated with sex, namely the F-word. Then, for an association of “phone apps,” I thought of the website “Go Fund Me,” which includes a word that half-overlaps the F-word.

But my punch line couldn’t be something as on-the-nose as “He’s calling the app Go [F-word] Me.” That’s because I try to keep my jokes PG-13 rated, and that punch line wouldn’t qualify.

Another problem with that punch line is that I wasn’t sure the audience would connect it with “Go Fund Me.” So that punch line wouldn’t lead to that moment of sudden discovery that helps make a joke funny.

While I was thinking about how to solve those punch line problems, I remembered a (probably apocryphal) anecdote told about actor Jack Nicholson. Supposedly an attractive young woman walked up to Nicholson at a party and asked him if he wanted to dance. Nicholson replied, “Wrong verb.”

That anecdote gave me the idea to write a punch line in which the F-word isn’t stated but instead is just hinted at by a description of one of its features.

I also made sure that the audience would make the connection to “Go Fund Me” by mentioning that website in my angle.

Joke About the Bridgestone Tire Vaccine

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The joke:

Today the Bridgestone tire company said it will offer its employees $100 to get a Covid vaccine shot. Apparently some employees are worried that the puncture might give them a flat arm.

How I wrote it:

I focused on this news item because both topic handles–“tire” and “vaccine”–seemed to have useful associations for joke writing.

But one of the first things I did was to reword the topic sentence to include the word “shot.” That’s because I was aiming to use my Punch Line Maker #1–Link two associations of the topic. And I thought I could link “tire” more easily with “shot” than with “vaccine,” because a shot requires a needle that can puncture a tire.

My first attempt at writing a punch line based on the idea of a shot puncturing ones arm arose from the hypothetical question “What else did the tire company offer its employees?”

That led to a punch line something like “They’re also offering a free rubber patch in case the puncture makes your arm leak.” But that seemed too long and complicated.

To simplify it, I dropped the idea of a patch and asked myself the question, “Why would you have to patch a puncture in a tire?” The answer, “because otherwise you’d get a flat tire,” gave me a simpler way to link “tire” and “shot”: a punch line ending on “flat arm.”

Finally I added an angle that logically ties the topic to that punch line by leading the audience to expect an explanation of why the company has to pay its employees to get the vaccine; the punch line provides the (silly) explanation.

Joke About Gov. Cuomo’s Powers

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The joke:

Today New York legislators decided to take away the pandemic emergency powers of Gov. Andrew Cuomo. The weird part is, Gov. Cuomo suggested that they do it during a game of strip poker.

How I wrote it:

The original news item had a headline something like “New York lawmakers strip Gov. Cuomo of emergency powers.” The topic handle “strip” jumped out at me because I realized that I could link it to a vivid association of “Gov. Cuomo,” namely the allegation that he proposed a game of strip poker to a staffer.

That is, I spotted an opportunity to use my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic.

The problem was that if I used “strip” in the topic of my joke, the audience might guess how the Gov. Cuomo joke was going to end. And my Joke Maximizer #5 is “Don’t telegraph the punch line.”

Plus basing a punch line on a word that a headline writer just conveniently happened to use felt to me like cheating.

So I substituted “take away” for “strip” in the topic of my joke. Luckily, visualizing the legislators taking something away from Cuomo also suggested a game of strip poker, with Cuomo handing over his powers instead of his undershirt. So I got to keep my strip poker punch line.

I wrote the angle to have Cuomo suggesting the game, instead of the legislators, because that’s what he allegedly did in real life. That way the internal logic of the joke would be clear.

And I added “The weird part is” to more smoothly and naturally bridge the topic and punch line.

Joke About Hillary Clinton’s Novel

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The joke:

Hillary Clinton is co-writing a mystery novel. She loves mysteries and this one sounds amazing. It’s called, “How the Hell Did Trump Beat Me?”

How I wrote it:

This news item caught my eye because I hadn’t written a Hillary Clinton joke in a while. Plus the other topic handle, “mystery novel,” seemed to have a lot of associations that I might link her to. That is, I thought I could use my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic.

Most associations that Clinton used to have–her pantsuits, her emails, her philandering husband–are now too stale to hang a joke on. But one association is still fresh, years after the presidential election: how she can’t understand why she lost to Trump. So I created a punch line that links that association to an association of “mystery novel,” namely “mystery.”

But writing the joke this way wouldn’t quite work: “Hillary Clinton is co-writing a mystery novel. It’s called, ‘How the Hell Did Trump Beat Me?'” The problem is that the title “How the Hell Did Trump Beat Me” describes a mystery but not the plot of a mystery novel.

To smooth out that bump, I wrote an angle that includes the word “mysteries,” to focus the audience on just the mystery aspect before they arrived at the punch line. But I also added “this one sounds amazing,” to subtly mislead the audience into thinking that I was still describing her novel.

This joke is an example of how to write a political joke that’s unlikely to divide a mass audience. Whether you’re a Clinton fan or not, you’d probably agree that she’s still wondering what went wrong in 2016.

Joke About Woolly Mammoth DNA

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The joke:

Scientists in Siberia have discovered million-year-old woolly mammoth DNA. The scientists were thrilled, and so was a woolly mammoth when Maury Povich told him, “You are NOT the father!”

How I wrote it:

This topic caught my eye because “DNA” has a lot of associations and therefore could result in jokes that go off in several directions.

My Punch Line Maker #1 is “Link two associations of the topic,” so my first task was to decide which other topic handle to link “DNA” to. “Woolly mammoth” was a logical candidate, but I couldn’t think of many associations for it beyond “woolly” and “prehistoric.”

So I thought some more about the rest of the topic. Topic handles are usually nouns, but the verb “discovered” stood out. I asked myself “What did the scientists discover about the DNA?” which prompted me to try my Punch Line Maker #4: Link the topic to pop culture. I thought of Maury Povich revealing the results of paternity tests on his show. And I had the basis of my punch line.

My punch line was relatively long, but I couldn’t figure out how to shorten “Maury Povich told him, ‘You are NOT the father!'” without hurting the joke. All I could do is put the entire punch line at the very end of the joke, as opposed to telegraphing the punch line by wording the joke something like, “Even more surprising was when Maury Povich told the woolly mammoth, ‘You are NOT the father.'”

The woolly mammoth that the scientists discovered was long-dead, of course, which made it tough to connect to the very much alive Maury Povich. So to smoothly connect the topic to the punch line I added an angle based on the idea of living things being thrilled.

Joke About Alex Trebek’s Clothing

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The joke:

Hundreds of articles of clothing that belonged to “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek are being donated to charity. The charity says if you’re the first one to grab a suit, you can buy it for $200, $400, $600, $800, or $1000.

How I wrote it:

This news item caught my attention because the two topic handles–“clothing” and “Jeopardy”–seemed to have enough associations to link into a good punch line.

One link came to me pretty quickly: “clothing” is associated with “buying clothing,” which has the sub-association “money.” And “money” is also associated with “Jeopardy.” So I thought I could create a punch line based on the dollar amounts of the game categories: $200, $400, $600, $800, and $1000.

But the logic of the joke isn’t completely solid: When you correctly answer a question on “Jeopardy” you get money, but when you buy a suit, you give money.

So to help the audience get past that bump in logic, I added to the angle another link between “buying clothing” and “Jeopardy,” which is “being the first to claim an item.” With that addition, I thought the joke would be clear enough that the slight defect in logic wouldn’t hurt it.

It appears that the real charity to which the clothing was donated won’t actually be selling it. But if I didn’t mention that fact in the joke, I figured the audience wouldn’t know.

Alex Trebek was a beloved figure in entertainment, so I briefly wondered whether using his name in a joke would offend a lot of people. But I decided that this joke was inoffensive because the only thing it says about Trebek is that he’s closely associated with “Jeopardy.” And who could disagree with that?

Joke About Yankee Stadium Vaccinations

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The joke:

Today Yankee Stadium officially opened as a Covid-19 vaccination site. It was exciting. Anthony Fauci threw out the first syringe.

How I wrote it:

I thought this news story might lead to a good joke because both of its handles, “Yankee Stadium” and “Covid-19 vaccination,” have lots of associations.

I turned to my Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic. Because some people apparently need encouragement to be vaccinated, I came up with the Yankee Stadium association “promotional giveaway,” which led me to its sub-association “bobblehead doll.”

To link “bobblehead doll” to the other topic handle, I needed a well-known person who is associated with “Covid-19 vaccination.” Of course, Dr. Anthony Fauci came to mind. So I linked those two associations together to get the punch line “bobblehead Anthony Fauci.”

But when I searched for “bobblehead promotion” on Google, to check whether baseball teams refer to it as a “promotion” or a “giveaway,” I somehow stumbled onto a reference to “bobblehead Anthony Fauci.” Aw, heck. If I posted my joke, some people might think I stole the idea from the real product.

That meant I needed another punch line. I liked including Anthony Fauci, so I thought about another way I could link him to “Yankee Stadium.” The official opening of the vaccination site reminded me of baseball’s Opening Day, which suggested throwing out the first pitch.

So I visualized Anthony Fauci throwing out the first pitch (which he did for real on another occasion). Then I put a surprising, vaccination-related twist on that mental image by making the baseball a syringe. Which gave me my punch line.